Forgiveness Includes Forgiving Yourself

It can be so hard to forgive yourself when you make a mistake that hurts others, particularly those you love. This week was a lesson for me in the art of forgiving myself for not being the perfect mother I envisioned. Of course, I know deep down I cannot be the perfect ‘anything’. But given the weight of responsibility of being a mother, I figured I had better get this right. Two other little humans are depending on me for direction and to be the best example I can be.

Motherhood has been one of the most challenging, heart-wrenching, and tear-inducing experiences I have been through…and yet one of the most wonderful, joyful and rewarding. My children simultaneously bring out the best and the worst in me. Through seeing my own weaknesses daily, I am finding it easier to be more gracious towards others, because I know I sorely need grace myself.

Back to this week’s motherhood challenge. My son went through a difficult ‘terrible twos’ phase two years ago. This was to be expected at this age and with consistent discipline in the form of time-outs, his behavior improved significantly by age 3. I was then very surprised when at the age of 4, he seemed to embark on a ‘terrible fours’ phase (does such a thing exist?)

None of the usual discipline was working. Time-outs were ineffective and seemed to make my son very angry and upset. He seemed like a completely different child and I felt ineffective and helpless. This week we reached the zenith of the difficult behavior. Coupled with the stress of unexpected repairs to our house, I was hardly the in-control mother I hoped to be. I lost my temper, became very angry and said things I shouldn’t have. I felt like a different person.

I talked things over with my husband and we decided we needed to adapt our discipline methods. What had worked before was not very effective now. We decided to implement an approach of positive reinforcement. Specifically the behaviors we focused on were:

  • Obedience
  • No whining
  • No rudeness
  • No melt-downs

For each of these 4 behaviors that my son managed to achieve throughout the course of the day (one warning was allowed), he would get a star on his reward chart and a sticker of his choice at the end of the day. We would review how the day went and ask him how he felt it went. The idea is not to suppress his feelings but to teach him how to control them better.

Today was Day 1 of the new approach and it went fantastically! He would still get angry or upset sometimes (which is normal) but he handled it much better. My son likes stickers and reward charts (it worked really well for potty training) so I think this new approach will go well. I don’t expect every day to be perfect but I think this is a step in the right direction.

Parenting can be so difficult sometimes, but I’m reminding myself that I am helping to shape a human being who can then go out and have a positive impact on this world. All the disciplining, the tears, the heartache… will be worth it for the person who will emerge with character.

Today, I forgive myself for making many mistakes as a mother. Tomorrow is a new day with my beautiful family, with my wonderful children who I adore, a new opportunity to treat them with love and respect…no perfection necessary.

Caleb and mummy 2012
My son (when he was  around 9 months old) and I going for a stroll along the boardwalk in Saint Anne-de-Bellevue, Quebec. Beautiful memories.
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17 thoughts on “Forgiveness Includes Forgiving Yourself

  1. Hi Malaika! As I write this, I imagine you racing from teaching Sunday school to deliver another great piano performance for Sunday service. I think most would agree the crisp sounds of the piano are a far cry from the din of home repairs. Just sayin’…

    Regarding parenting, congrats on finding a creative solution for positive reinforcement. As simple as it sounds, not reinventing the wheel is definitely a good way to bringing about effective change while encouraging open-ended communication. Glad day 1 was a success!

    The picture you shared is priceless!! 

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you have spoken for pretty much all mothers out there – so many memories come back! I still mull over some of the things I know I should have done differently, while simultaneously thanking God that our two children “turned out” very well in spite of us. 🙂 As a grandmother, all I can say is, we all need to keep praying for our children of any age. Your post is a great encouragement to enjoy the ups, and find solutions for the downs, and keep going, by the grace of God. Blessings! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Our grandson who is 4 has his moments, but he did not go through terrible 2’s or horrible 3’s. I think once you find a discipline that works and the child knows you mean business you will both be in good shape. I know our daughter takes away his tv, favorite toys etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment. I’m happy that our new form of discipline is working really well so far. And I’m reminded that every child is different as our daughter is almost 2 and there is no sign of the terrible 2’s yet. Have a great day! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Unfortunately the Lord does not give us a manual with which to use in raising our kids. Stay consistent in whatever approach you use. I have a 17 year old, 14 year old, and a 10 year old with Duchenne MD, believe me, I know the ups and downs of parenthood and there are times I realize I have not become the parent I imagined I would be, your feelings are normal. As kids grow up their discipline needs change and you will change as they grow. Remember this, our parents did not have access to a fraction of the information we now have today, and you turned out fine. Today we have parenting books from every different perspective possible, that makes raising kids even more confusing in my opinion. Stay committed to whatever your choice of discipline is Thanks for sharing. Be blessed and do not fear. Everything will be fine whatever you do! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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